When younger Umbert used to date many girls, meeting them during his numerous weekends in Paris.
From his experiences and readings here is All we know about the date.
Several things could attract girls: your appearance, intelligence, money, social status, kindness, attitude, style, all of those or some of these.
Something that you have they cannot describe, but that they resume with “he has it all”.
It’s sometimes strange that girls will tell you that they don’t like selfish boys while they seem to be sometimes attracted by the mystery that comes with it.
It could also be all that is wrong with you that they, in fact, like.
One day an Indian woman told Umbert: “French like to fall in love.”
That’s maybe why French date a lot.
1) Why are you single?
Let’s start with the truth or the reasons.
Why are you still single?
According to Aaron Zhu in Medium, here are 7 brutally honest reasons why you’re still single:
- “You don’t go out much.
- You haven’t moved on from your ex.
- You’re nitpicky.
- Your self-esteem is too high.
- Your self-esteem is too low.
- You’re too mysterious (you don’t embrace vulnerability).
- You’re too independent.”
Moreover, Tesia Blake adds in Medium All the Wrong Reasons Why You’re Afraid to Say “I Love You,” or maybe why you’re afraid of a long term relationship:
- “You’re afraid they won’t say it back.
- You expect someone else to be responsible for your happiness.
- You believe you’re responsible for the other person’s happiness.
- “I love you” is not a binding promise.
- They might break your heart. Let them.
- Love is not like your actual heart — you do have more than one.
- And now that your fears are gone. Go enjoy love. Give it freely. Embrace the possibility that you might fall on your face instead of letting that fear stop you from living.”
Then Niki Marinis writes in her article Signs you’re not ready for a relationship in Medium:
- “You’re too busy rehashing a previous relationship.
- You’re too busy being miserable.
- You’re worried about what your friends think.
- You think people are expendable.
- You’re too anxious and impatient.
- You’re too picky.
- You’re far from optimistic.
- You don’t trust anyone, including yourself.
- You don’t know how to have fun.
- You make excuses.
- You’re not willing to be patient.
- You don’t want to be happy.
- You hate being alone.
- You play the victim.
- You were burned. Bad.
- You’re not ready to admit you’re not ready for a relationship.
- You don’t like the persone you’re dating.
- You’re a relationship martyr.
- You want more that most people can give.
- You’re not the right frame of mind.
- You don’t want someone who treats you right.”
Going from single to a relationship is a change, but girls won’t take your life, they will be part of it. As your partner, not only in crime, they will make your life better, with more substance.
You can read the lovely article Fall In Love With Someone, But Don’t Fall Out Of Love With Yourself by Niklas Göke in Medium about this.
So let’s now move on.
2) The dating apps
However, dating in real life is much better if you know how to handle it. Apps should only be a way to initiate a real get together.
So don’t forget to update your photo and profile on your dating apps, but also on your social media.
Make it simple but attractive.
Sophie Saint-Thomas in her GQ article Does Your Tinder Bio Have Too Much Information? gives you this advice: “we want you to care enough to describe yourself, so we can decide if you’d be a good date, but we don’t want to be a dumping ground for your emotional baggage before we’ve ever met (or matched) with you. We want you to be chill.”
Now that you’re online let’s go to the real life.
3) Before the date
a) At home
Check your clothing.
Wear clean clothes. It seems obvious, but it’s better to remember.
Avoid right away: dirty t.shirt, a jean with holes, dirty shoes, heels damaged, soles with holes (yes, people look at your feet if you do not know how to sit!).
Wear simple clothes that enhance, where you feel natural and comfortable.
Don’t wear a hyper-sexy outfit or tacky haircut. You’d be ridiculous.
Avoid t-shirt, jeans with holes, dirty, short-sleeved shirts, unless they are bent, sleeves tight, plain, prefer timeless polos. Forget too old shoes.
No flashy colors, keep them for later. Avoid the black color which is most of the time reserved for the funerals.
Large belt buckles can be worn on jeans, but never with a suit.
The socks must go up below the knee, of course, nobody can see them, but in Paris, you never know;) The choice of the color is important: choose the pant or shoe color and avoid the white ones.
If you never wear suits, avoid them. You can also choose mismatched pants and jacket to be more natural. Same for the tie.
Do not wear synthetic costumes, it shines, it’s uncomfortable, and there are so many natural materials available!
Never put the tie in the waistband of your pants, the tie should barely touch the top of the pants. The small side of the tie should not be longer than the large one.
Think about your age, your profession, your style and adapt your style.
Do not try to change your style at the first appointment. You will play a role inevitably, and this will take away all your natural. People will see it immediately! If your style does not please, it is not worth going further.
Now you are a rock-star, so smile and relax!
Of course, you will have also taken care of your physical cleanliness (hair, nails, skin).
If you have a hairy chest, relax and read the article What’s Great About Having a Hairy Chest, According to Science, by Lauren Vinopal in Fatherly. She tells you that it is normal, that it could be worse, and that a survey demonstrates that “the hairier the chest, the smarter the man”.
Do not wear too much perfume.
Speak in front of your mirror once ready. It will give you insurance.
Forget all your worries; otherwise, do not go there.
Nothing beats an “arrival” smiling, relaxed, with a confident attitude.
Before the appointment, you can think of a few topics. A man who does not know what to say will have no chance to please.
b) General rules for a date
Simplicity is key. Be yourself; lying is a waste of time; she will discover who you are anyway.
Always be natural, charming and courteous.
Open yourself to this new relationship. She may be THE ONE.
Dominate your shyness. Stay relaxed; it’s a party.
The smile is the number one asset of seduction. Be friendly and charming.
The one who makes a woman laugh will be ahead of the one who floods her with many compliments.
Have physical, moral and intellectual elegance.
4) Where should your 1st date be?
a) Basic rules for a date
The first appointment should be in a neutral place, not late at night. Never at ones home.
Choose a beautiful place, quiet to talk.
The choice of the place is difficult because it is also very related to the habits of the protagonists and their intellectual level.
Try to find something close to where both of you live. You don’t want to have time for many hesitations on your way home;)
Avoid places where your friends are, or where you know everybody. Your princess wants all your attention. You want to be as natural as possible, and you won’t be if your friends or acquaintances are around.
If you haven’t met already, remember to mention a distinctive sign so you will recognize each other (color of your clothes for example).
Where are the best places for a date?
b) The restaurant
A restaurant is one of the most common ideas.
If you choose this one, try to find something original and chic.
You can choose a place with an all-new experience — for example, an Indian restaurant with a Bollywood decoration, and an amiable staff.
Another idea would be an ice restaurant (build with ice).
The goal is to surprise her, and this place will be the topic to start the discussion.
Always stay with chic places, even if they are specials.
Fine dining is old school unless they organize a unique and fun event, for example, an oysters and champagne evening or a thematic party.
A woman will always be flattered to be invited to fine dining, but Umbert would keep this option for the second time. It will improve the surprise effect again, and also reassure her.
c) The cocktail or wine bar
Having a drink in a wine or cocktail bar, then dine elsewhere is an excellent option.
At least, if something goes wrong, you’ll be on time to cancel the restaurant.
Choose an intimate place, with beautiful lights, perfect for the conversation. The candles highlight women and make them feel comfortable.
Avoid loud music and too much noise in general; it will stress you.
d) Everything else is the best!
Umbert likes to go for a picnic, in a calm and beautiful place. Women never expect you to organize such a thing. It is also a chic idea, that shows that you don’t want to show off, but are real, sincere and straightforward.
The other option that always works is to travel somewhere for the night. This means that you will have booked the tickets or the place before; you will have plenty of things to talk about regarding this short trip. If you are in Paris, try some chic destinations like Deauville, Dinan or Biarritz on the coast. If you are in New York, the Bahamas for the night always works!
If she loves sport or culture, or both which is better, try to find a fantastic event that you can do together. For example the escape game Inside Opera where you have to see the Phantom of the Opera, in the real Opera Garnier. This is fun, chic and amazing!
Now you need to know what could be a process to follow when the D day will arrive.
5) The D day
a) At the restaurant
- Arrive in advance. Never be late to the first appointment, it would be a huge and gross mistake. If it happens to contact her as soon as possible to let her know, she will appreciate it. Moreover, don’t try the « sorry I’m so busy … », she wants you to be busy with her!
- Personal items shouldn’t be on the table (sunglasses, phone, keys, etc.). This is a table for you and her, not yours.
- Turn off your phone!
- Get up when the woman arrives to greet her.
- If you’ve never met and are disappointed: do not show it, you will not see each other again.
- Find a sentence to welcome her, delicate, kind without doing too much. A compliment on her outfit and elegance will always be appreciated. A little shyness does not hurt or at least a low reserve.
- Never sit down first. The bench is always reserved for ladies. If there are only chairs, think of pulling the woman’s chair, unless the butler does it.
- When you sit down to the table, immediately put your towel on your legs, without waiting for the dish.
- Start the conversation and look at her eyes to talk.
- It is the man who places the order at the Maître d’Hotel and chooses the wines, after having asked the woman if his choice suits her. Do not look at the neighbors’ plate at another table to make your choice.
- The man serves the drink to the woman who accompanies him unless the butler does it.
- Before starting to taste the dishes, wait until she is served.
- If you have to leave the table for a few minutes, excuse yourself, you don’t have to say why. Place the napkin on your chair (the USA only), or the left side of the plate (Europe).
- If someone in the restaurant recognizes you and stop by for a short talk, stand up for a few minutes.
- In the end, the man asks for the bill, and pay it discreetly. If there are errors, do not discuss them in front of her.
- On your way, out thank the staff and compliment the manager. She will be sensitive to your politeness.
You can use this process or part of it if you’ve chosen another place like a cocktail bar or another destination like the picnic or the trip option.
If all went well, ask for another date more original. You will find a good idea…!
You can take inspiration from Umbert’s monthly weekends, where you will find the latest perfect spots.
b) The conversation during the date
The Dos :
Unveil yourself, but not too much. Mysterious people always create curiosity in others and still attract.
Manj Bahra writes about this in the article in Medium Why Unpredictable is So Attractive: “We are all enthralled by the chase. Nobody wants to watch a movie that’s predictable or lacks drama and conflict. We want to believe that we earned our results. Ironically, anything that comes easy makes us suspicious and wonder what’s wrong with that person. Remember, more predictable the outcome in dating, the quicker you lose interest.”
Highlight your qualities. For example, your success in an industry or a sport. There may be other contenders, so put all the chances on your side. Whether you are beautiful, intelligent, rich or the opposite, girls like success. Do not show off with your money, car or house. Make yourself appreciate for yourself; it’s essential for the future.
The difficulty is to talk about your qualities, without putting too much value.
Focus on the interest of the other, even if she is very different. Remember that you look for your complement, not someone like you, none your opposite.
If you look for a long term relationship, ask more personal questions. The person may feel confident if you are open and compassionate, and much more if you expose your issues.
Ask about her past, what she would like in the future, what she missed.
Also about her tastes, her life.
Listen. Ask questions; Women love being listened to. Be attentive, so she feels confident. If she speaks about her problems, listen, advice but not to much (she doesn’t look for a 2nd father). Give her always right, only for the first date of course!
Do not let the silence settle. It’s a disaster. Know how to re-engage the conversation with simple topics: news, travel. Be careful: no politics or religion! No subject that makes people arguing strongly.
Accept her opinions and speak calmly.
If you start a fight, resolve it quickly by taking ownership and responsibility of the problem.
Never interrupt her.
The Don’ts :
No drama, neither positive nor negative.
Please do not talk about all your life, or do it briefly, without starting from childhood.
Do not flood the conversation of stories about your work, and especially with technical terms. Some funny anecdotes will be much more appreciated.
Do not show off with your culture, especially if your guest is not an intellectual.
Do not complain about everything (climate, cost of living, car breakdown, noisy neighbors, etc.).
Do not immediately talk about all the problems in your life (breaks, illness, loss of work, difficult children). In all cases avoid personal issues, excessive development, your job, trouble, family, breakup. You would give a lamentable first image.
Only mention happy and positive moments in the beginning, and if it goes well, you can unveil yourself a little more.
Avoid at all costs the vulgarity, the “heaviness” in the behavior, and don’t do too much, or say too much.
When talking, avoid “me I,” and prefer, “I think that” or “it seems to me,” “in my opinion.”
Remember that women don’t like:
- Men who show off, and talk about everything they are supposed to possess.
- The stubborn who talks about money, and especially how to save it. Attention! It is you Sir who must pay the totality of the bill.
- The false intellectual who pretends to know everything.
- The seducer who enumerates his conquests and considers himself already a winner.
- The obsessed who talks about sex constantly.
- The unfortunate man with whom from the first sentence we are in the drama.
If you are open, balanced, attentive, confident, cheerful! Then everything will be fine.
Specify what you are looking for in the relationship. Women don’t like men who want to take advantage of her.
If you like to be single:
- Do not insist on your choice to be single. A single person must not proclaim his life choice all the time and claim his freedom. It’s annoying for others.
- Never talk about her single status either.
- Don’t talk about family life, children, etc. She doesn’t have one, so it is embarrassing.
- Avoid troublesome questions.
- Please don’t insist on your many dates. It is vexing for those who have a stable emotional life.
- The best is to forget your single status and be natural!
Also, if you don’t want to follow up Sophia Benoit explains to you What to Say at the End of a Bad Date in GQ:
- “Don’t lie. If you aren’t going to text her again, don’t say that you are.
- Be kind. The above being said you don’t have to break it to someone in person that you never want to see them ever again.
- Don’t linger. If you know while on a date that this date is not going well, don’t make it last longer.
- Don’t fuck it up. Sleeping with someone whom you went on a date with first is an escalation of said date. If you guys just messaged on Tinder, and it’s a simple hookup—that’s different. There’s some level of understanding that you’re there for sex only, and if after that you don’t feel like doing it again, that’s fine. Follow the above rules and say goodbye.”
However, if you feel an attraction, you can touch her arm while talking.
6) What you don’t want
You look for a healthy relationship — something that is not based only on the passion, to avoid drama.
Sometimes it is better to lower your expectations not to be disappointed.
However, if you look for a balanced life, you may want to avoid:
- The hyper-liberated woman, often unstable.
- Those who do not respect your private life. She is always listening to you and doing everything you want.
- The authoritarian: Either we obey, or we leave! She will ask questions and fight with you all the time, about anything.
- The agitated who lists all the activities she does.
- The depressive who lives in problems
- The snobbish looking only for comfortable material life. Do you have enough money to pay for her lavish lifestyle?
- The one who loves you, but she cheats all the time.
Also, you don’t want to argue and fight all the time. Your partner cannot be your enemy.
Here are 5 Signs Your Relationship Won’t Last, by Caroline Dunn in Betches:
- “You Started Dating Within Two Minutes Of Meeting.
- Your Life Goals Are Totally Different.
- Her Friends Suck.
- The Relationship Is Unequal.
- You’re Dating Out Of Convenience.”
Moreover, Kris Gage to add The Ways You Know It Isn’t Love in Medium:
- “Love is neither fight nor flight; love doubles-down joins forces, makes it work. If your reaction is to throw punches or throw in the towel, it’s not love.
- The problem with defining love as “feelings” is twofold: 1.) it makes for immature relationships, and 2.) leaves us susceptible to one day “not feeling it” and folding.
- Not just for a moment (because that happens to all of us) and also not as the result of depression (look into that to make sure), but rather a pervasive feeling of not connecting.
- If you continually come back to “the way your partner looks on paper” to defend the relationship to yourself, it’s probably going south.
- However, there’s a difference between rooting for different sports teams and being able to have the conversations you care most about.
- When it comes to a “life partner,” make sure they’re there for the “life stuff.” Like if you share big news with your partner (you got promoted, won a deal, quit that job you hated, whatever), they shouldn’t sound as though you just said you grabbed milk on the way home.
- When someone dies, they should hug you if you’re crying, offer to go to the services (and go, if you want them to and they can), and refrain from making jokes too soon or demanding brownie points if they order flowers. This is easy stuff, guys. It’s amazing how many people eff this up.
- When they move across the country (or the world) and you are in no way inclined to follow (except, perhaps, “for the adventure.”) Or, vice versa, when you feel compelled to move across the country but only half-care if they come.
Fear and love can’t coexist. If your initial anxiety around the idea of breaking up is “fear of being alone,” it isn’t love.
Then, mutual investment and support in each other’s growth, especially when things get rough or scary. However, always complementary, never to complete one another. Moreover, still with care and compassion.”
What about the age gap?
Lauren Vinopal tells us about What Is the Ideal Age Gap for a Happy Marriage? In Fatherly:
“A young, attractive spouse won’t make you happy in the long run, according to a new study. Researchers found that the thrill of a wide age gap tends to wear off within a decade, leaving mismatched couples unprepared for marital bliss. The perfect fling might be half your age — but the ideal life partner probably is not.
A study indicates that the sweet spot may be around one year. Couples one year apart had a 3 percent chance of splitting, researchers found, compared to 18 percent for couples five years apart, 39 percent for 10, and 95 percent for 20.”
What do you think?
Lauren also add Why Marrying Out of Your League Could Increase Divorce Risk also in Fatherly:
“Men who marry women who are out of their league — that is, significantly more attractive than they are — may have less committed wives and a higher risk of divorce, experts say. “A variety of research suggests that couples who do not match one another in their approximate levels of physical attractiveness tend to have less successful romantic relationships,” Madeleine Fugère, a professor of Social Psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University, wrote in Psychology Today.”
Interesting, isn’t it?
What about her?
7) Signs she likes you
It is sometimes very easy to check if you attract a date.
Here are 11 surefire signs that she’s into you from Gentleman’s Journal:
- “Your hands will brush together.
- She’ll get in touch with you — out of the blue.
- She remembers insignificant details about you.
- She will casually rest her head on your shoulder.
- She’ll playfully ruffle your hair.
- She’ll offer to give you a massage.
- She’ll — however briefly — touch your knee or thigh.
- She’ll whisper something — anything — to you.
- She’ll move her bag off a nearby chair.
- She won’t notice if it’s raining.
- She’ll give you eye contact.”
What about you?
8) Signs you really like her
I like this quote from Jason Henry in his article Sex and Love are Not the Same Thing in Medium: “If you find yourself mostly checking out their body, it’s lust. If in getting to know someone, feelings emerge, that’s connection which can lead to love. If it’s about edifying your own desires, it’s lust. If it’s about another’s well-being, it’s love.”
- “She is the best part of your day.
- You prioritize her.
- She is different from everyone else.
- You like more than her look.
- You want her to be happy.
- You’ll try new things with her.
- She inspires you to be a better person.
- You know because you decide. You don’t feel love. You DO it. It’s an act, not a feeling. It’s a moment by moment decision and re-commitment. You know because it’s deliberate and conscious.
- You know because you DO the act of loving. You invest. You exert effort.
- You know bc you do the act of loving even when you don’t want to. Because everyone thinks they’re in love when it’s clear skies and calm waters, but watch them when the storm hits.”
9) What if she’s a friend
This is a tough situation to handle, and it happens many times between best friends.
Benjamin Sledges gives you Three Lessons About Bad Dating Advice While in the “Friend Zonein Medium:
- “Trust your gut when you get advice that doesn’t line up. When something doesn’t feel right, chances are it’s usually wrong.
- If you suspect your friend likes you, but don’t have those feelings, be honest. If you’re the one with feelings, be honest too.
- If a friend/mentor’s dating advice benefits them (and not you), it’s a red flag.
Bonus Tip: When All Else Fails, Remember This.”
10) Please follow up after a date
Sophia Benoit in GQ explains to you How to Follow Up After a Good First Date:
- Use your phone and text.
- No matter when.
- What is important is what you’re going to say.
- “Text when you have something interesting to say.
- Send texts full of New Fun Plans.”
However, do it with the right words.
Rachel Hosie in Independent gives you The messages that are most likely to put someone off dating you in The Independent:
- “Receiving just one answer to many questions asked in a previous message, 40 percent.
- Receiving too many messages, 35 percent.
- Cheesy selfies, 34 percent.
- Taking too long to reply to messages, 33 percent.
- Poor grammar, 32 percent.
- Using pet names such as ‘bae’ or ‘babe,’ 28 percent.
Top five most off-putting emojis:
- The poo face, 26 percent.
- The aubergine, 17 percent.
- The devil smiling, eight percent.
- The arm muscle, eight percent.
- The stick-out-tongue wink face, six percent.
Top five emojis used to flirt:
- The blowing kiss face, 27 percent.
- The love heart eyes, 18 percent.
- The winking face, 17 percent.
- The lip kiss, 13 percent.
- The stick-out-tongue wink face, 13 percent.”
11) The introvert versus extrovert scenario
Rezzan Hussey wrote an excellent piece in Medium about How to love an Introvert (by an Extrovert):
“Possibly the most challenging thing about loving an introvert as an extrovert is not taking their need for quiet time personally. It can be a blow to realize your partner, even though they won’t admit it, occasionally doesn’t want you around, because they don’t want anybody around: they are perfectly content.
You love them by choosing to foster the same feelings you felt in the beginning when you fell in love, basically. You love them by constantly turning your focus away from their slightly troubling, but not actually mentally-ill behavior, to how awesome their introspective, private and difficult-to-read little bottoms can be.
Moreover, if you really wanted to do an A+ plus job of loving them, you could learn about them. Also, the simplest way to do that is to listen to them non-judgmentally, and actually shut up when they do share their thoughts and feelings with you. (Note to self: Don’t butt in, extrovert! Let them talk!!).”
What if everything goes wrong?
12) If you have to break up
Here is a process by Mark Manson in his article How to break up gracefully:
- “Always do it in person and if possible, don’t do it in public.
- Never make a scene and keep your batshit to a minimum.
- Do NOT try to make the other person feel better.
- After the breakup, respectfully cut all contact for a short period of time.
- Talk to somebody about it.
- Allow yourself to be sad/angry/upset but don’t judge or blame anyone.
- Recognize that the break up itself is a sign of your incompatibility and you’re both better off.
- Invest in yourself. Rebuild your personal identity, even if you’re hurt. Another article from Mark about this: How to get over someone and move on with your life.
- Only start dating again when you’re legitimately excited to.
- Only attempt to be friends with your ex again once you’re over the idea of dating them.”
What to remember:
You will like others if you love yourself.
It may be interesting to date fewer people, but try to find some partners who match better what could be your complement.
A relationship is between 2 persons.
One day a Chinese man in Tea Shop of San Francisco told Umbert that it takes two years to know someone.
So ask her some questions all ready to start checking if she’s THE ONE.
Take it easy, be real and everything will be fine.
If you share it with friends, you may get the wrong advice.
So trust your feelings, you’re the only one who knows what’s going on.
How to become irresistible? Download now the free eBook available on this blog.
Enjoy the journey!
Umbert De Paris