When Umbert is in Paris, he often goes to some very interesting talks about his favorite subjects : travel, technology, startups, emotional intelligence and many more …
Sometimes, he doesn’t really understand everything, especially when it is very technical.
When dining with friends, after several nights out, he doesn’t always know what to say or answer, because he ’s tired.
Sometimes you start talking and you may notice that your audience is not interested in what you are saying.
Or you’ve just realized that what you’ve said is so stupide !!!
Don’t talk, you are listened !
The silence is sometimes better …
“The silence is golden, so I’m silent … « , MC Solar, French singer
« Le silence est d’or, alors je me tais … « , MC Solar, chanteur Français
In this article :
1) Talking
2) Listening
1) Talking
When you are talking, sometimes, it is better to stop.
But when ?
If your speech is too long or does not involve anyone, stop immediately, otherwise the others may leave the room because they are bored, or find you too narcissistic …
If someone interrupt you, let him talk. His attitude is wrong for sure, but the best is to not do the same.
When arguing, know that you will put more pressure, just because what you think and say will be different from the other point of view, and it may disturb him a little or more.
If you have different ideas from the one who talks, let him finish first.
Depending on the situation, you may also think about your answer 24 hours, then come back to it.
Arguing is good, it helps both of you by sharing experiences.
When the debate becomes heated, watch the others, stop talking, it will help everybody to calm down.
On the other hand, If just one of you talk and the other listen, the discussion may be boring, and nobody has time for boring things.
I know some business techniques teach you that not talking and listening is the best solution. I don’t agree with this, I thinks that if you want a long term relationship, you need to share experiences and talks.
2) Listening
Learn to listen to others. Listening is as important as knowing how to speak.
It also shows that you are interested in the other and what he says.
When you visit a friend who is in pain, your presence is often enough. Words could be misunderstood in a critical situation.
When you do not understand a discussion, or do not know anything about it, it is better to stay quiet so you do not look ridiculous.
When the talking is getting to emotional, it is better to stop arguing a little, to calm down, then restart.
Umbert try to always stay calm, so he can focus on talking smart.
He knows that it is not easy when you’re stressed by your job, or something bad that’s just happened.
That’s why, sometimes, Don’t talk, you are listened !
But not always, don’t forget that life is about sharing, and talking is a way to share.
What must be remembered : talk only when you think that what you want to say is important for the others. If you have a doubt it may be that it is better to say nothing.
Immediately find something in their behavior or dress that you can emphasize on, and make a compliment.
This is not lying or being hypocrite, it is just a way to find great things about everybody.
You can even train in the street by looking at the others and find one thing nice with each person you cross.
That way you will find the world and the people much more beautiful.
3) Break the ice
Let the magic do it, don’t try to make too much internet search about the person, because the person may thing that you are playing with her by not being natural.
Try to find something you have in common, or some experiences you can share, without conflict or too much arguing.
4) Make eye contact
Eyes contact in the western world is a proof of respect, interest and trust.
Don’t be too pushy, just consider the person you are talking with.
5) Ask questions
If you ask questions, it will help you have some interest in the discussion.
It will also show that you are active in the talking and interested in the other.
6) A warm tone
The tone must neither be hysterical, nor too discreet, neither choleric, nor too moderate.
I would say be natural, and everything will be fine.
With the elderly : they are people in need of warmth and smiles. Do not be condescending or unfamiliar, but you can laugh, discuss and especially show that the age difference is not important.
With children : discuss naturally by showing that you are interested in them. Ask for their name, age, school, classmates, sports, etc …
7) Smile
Smiling is a symbol of seduction and elegance.
I know you have some problems, everybody have some, but when you meet people, try to forget them, just for that moment.
As a training, you can stand in front of a mirror, try several smiles, look at the features of your face, remember the most natural, the one that gives you the most value, and use it as often as possible.
Be carreful, a smile can be heard ! Yes, on the phone, people “hear” your smile. Before hanging on the phone, relax, smile and you will have a warm tone that will be appreciated and effective.
What does the smile mean ? Trust, affection, charm, security and it is disarming (in case of conflict with a person)
When Umbert goes to the Louvre Museum, he is always amazed by the smile of La Joconde. « How do you describe it Umbert ? Enigmatic, reassuring, tender, warm, natural, jovial, feminine …” Umbert is a fan of museums and exhibitions in Paris.
You can find his selection, every month, on this blog, in the Weekends chapter.
8) Laugh with them
If you can reach that goal, you win !
Laughing together is the best way to make friends.
Laugh is the expression of an authentic joy.
Try to laugh not too strong, not too long and not for anything (remember Don’t play !)
Umbert never laughs at the ridicule of others (stupidity, dress, attitude). It would be too easy and nasty.
On the other hand he knows how to laugh and make fun of himself.
9) Be interested
When you speak with them your entire posture and gesture should show that you are interested.
So focus on what they say and share your experiences.
10) Don’t interrupt
When you speak to them, let them finish their sentences or argumentation.
If you’ve ever encounter someone who’s always right, and always interrupt you, you know what I’m talking about.
11) Answer appropriately
It is very important to stay natural and say what you think, not what you think the other want you to think.
If you lie or play, the other will feel it, and the discussion will be flat and boring.
On the other hand, don’t argue too strongly, just answer politely.
Make the talk profitable for both of you, by sharing interesting experiences.
12) Don’t do things to deliberately bring them down
You may know some people who always try to control you by bringing you down.
They always try to find some stuff in your life, in what you like, or every where that could embarrass you.
Never do that !!!
Even if the person will have a nice attitude in front of you, just after leaving the party, she will hate you for the rest of her life.
13) Ask if they want to hang out
If you have a nice talk, ask the person if she wants to hang out sometimes.
Maybe you have a passion. In common, or something you can share.
This is, I think, the best way to make people like you.
14) Let them do what they want
A psychologist that I know always say it like this : « What do you know about their happiness ? ».
Every person is different, with a different past, different goals etc …
Sharing experiences and knowledge is very important to have a great talk, so bring something on the table.
But trying to impose your point of view or way of life must be a disaster, and it’s never appropriate.
15) Promote them
After the meeting, try to speak about them or their business.
Make positive observations about who they are or what they do.
At one point they will hear about it, and will really appreciate.
15.5) Love yourself
Being confident doesn’t mean not being humble. You can be confident and humble.
You don’t want to show off, but being confident makes you a non jealous or envious person.
The other will also feel it, and find « confortable » to be with you.
You will be a kind of hero who protects them.
15.5 Dos to make people love you, that’s a lot to do to make people love you.
Start step by step, by adding one thing after another, then you will be fine.
What must be remembered : breaking the ice, empathy and real discussions are key to make real friends or acquaintances. Train by going to random events, and start to speak to some people about anything, then narrow down to what you’ve prepared before.
Whether in Paris or traveling, Umbert respects the New Etiquette codes of each country.
An essential rule exists everywhere : to avoid vulgar words and vulgarity in general.
A good orator has a huge power, and if you know how to talk, you will seduce your audience.
There are many events nowadays where you can mingle with others. Follow those advices to attract most of the people.
“Everything is understood except vulgarity », Louis Pelletier-Dlamini
« Tout peut se comprendre sauf la vulgarité », Louis Pelletier-Dlamini
In this article :
1) The basics
2) The art of speech
3) Avoid rude words
4) The worst is the vulgarity
5) What about the familiarity ?
1) The basics
When he meets a friend or an acquaintance, Umbert always tries to be warm and respectful.
Articulate, be audible, do not speak too fast or too slow, and pronounce all the letters of a word, are also important.
We must use a language accessible to all, knowing who we speak to. Do not use technical words related to your work because it is often incomprehensible to the uninitiated.
Keep a measured, not peremptory or insulting tone.
Before talking about yourself, ask others about their job, what they like, the news.
Never start a sentence with “Me, I …”, but by: “It seems to me that …”.
Ask often “What do you think?“, then listen, it is a mark of respect. To know how to listen is a proof of greatness. Never cut the talk.
To argue is advised, it is a proof of sincerity and respect for the other. On the other hand, do it with a moderate tone, making logical remarks, and respecting the point of view of the other. Nobody know the truth ! Look for the compromise.
Do not mention disasters, financial difficulties, illness, conquests, and avoid talking negatively about others. Try to find some entering matters.
If a discussion about a political or religious subject goes wrong, you must know how to stop.
If you are an adult, avoid using the language of teenagers, it is ridiculous. The vocabulary of adolescents belongs to them. They do not expect you to copy them.
You must know how to end a conversation, when you detect in the interlocutor some signs of trouble : yawning, look at the watch, a hand that strikes …
Remember to always end the conversation with a polite and friendly phrase like : “I was delighted to be able to talk to you, I hope we will have the opportunity to meet again”.
2) The art of speech
Never improvise, be brief, clear, simple, do not speak too fast, but also be original and personal.
If a personality is present, you must talk to him/her with his/her title.
Remember to have the right posture : keep the bust straight, hands flat (it is a sign of insurance, knowledge of the subject), not in the pockets.
Look people in the eyes, to seem more sincere, and show that you are interested in them.
3) Avoid rude words
The evolution of the manners makes the use of the bad words very current nowadays.
Sometimes no one pays attention. But precisely, you have to stand out to please.
This is why, in all circumstances, Umbert tries to never use rude words.
The use of bad or vulgar language is ridiculous for adults.
In a company, it can shock, or not, according to the habits.
This is worse in front of children, where you should never use rude words, even to laugh. If this happens, then you have to explain them that it is a mistake.
Umbert remembers a father who had said a rude word to his son, in front of his friends : the child cried because his friends laughed at him. We must think of the reactions of other people.
When he is alone, he does a very simple exercise : replace a vulgar word with another prettier one. Umbert advises you to do this exercise, which will quickly become a game and which make you a person whom ones like to frequent.
Nevertheless if you say a bad word, and it will happen, the tone on which it is said is also important : humor, rebellion, rebellious, yes ! But never aggressive!
4) The worst is the vulgarity
There are different forms of vulgarity, other than language.
The tone is important. So it must be laid, avoiding excesses in emotions : for example screaming even if one is angry.
The posture is also important : always straight, even sitting or standing, but easy. Even when you walk, it is also important to respect the codes.
In other words, avoiding vulgarity and adopting good taste is a general attitude, and you can work on, step by step, following Umbert’s advices.
5) What about the familiarity ?
The familiarity is more and more practiced by the youngest from the first meeting.
Some people are not comfortable with familiarity. This is not arrogance, but often a mark of education or shyness.
Do not force someone to call you by your first name if the other person seems discomfort or reserve.
Someone can use the first name with you, especially if he is an old person, or someone with a higher social position.
Never use the first name for an older person or a superior, unless they ask you.
Umbert tries to respect those New Etiquette rules the most he can. Of course, sometimes, he gets angry. We are all human so not perfect.
Be careful to the manipulators who try to provoque and upset you. Their goal is to push you in the vulgarity and rude world.
Travelling is a good option to learn more, because you will have to act correctly to not shock the locals and not get any problems. You may also discover that some other behaviors and cultures are more respectful than others. You will have to stay tolerant and open minded.
What must be remembered : the best solution is to exercise when alone, so it will become more natural. Vulgarity is the worst, you have to really work on it.
